How Not to Dump Someone
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Here’s a sampling of some of the worst ways to break up (perhaps you’ll be comforted to know you’re not the only one out there with some nasty splits in your past!), plus, some less-brutal alternatives. Here’s to kinder, gentler break-ups in all of our futures!
The Horror Stories
*The disappearing act
Jennifer Bray once dated a guy for 18 months who told her he loved her and wanted to be with her forever. “One day he called and said, ‘Hi, baby–I’m getting lunch but I’ll call you when I get home,’ and never called,” remembers the St. Louis, MO, woman. A few months later, she ran into him again. “He acted like nothing had happened,” she winces.
Why it’s so wrong: Getting dumped is already horrific, but having someone move on without clueing you in about his or her plans to do so? Well, that makes you think your sweetie didn’t even consider it a relationship in the first place. At least a clear-cut break-up gives you a chance to grieve and move ahead already.
*The “Hey, I just realized…” break-up
Melissa de la Cruz is a happily married, successful novelist from Los Angeles. But years ago, she was a devastated dumpee… of a guy who ended things with her because “I’m Asian and his previous girlfriend was Chinese and he didn’t want to be known as ‘an Asian fetishist,’” she marvels. “Can you even believe the reverse PC-ish-ness of it?”
Why it’s so wrong: Anytime you dump a person for a quality you knew about going in — like his or her being Asian, tall, or bald — it’s only a testament to your own lack of self-knowledge.
*The too-perfectly timed walkout
Amiira Ruotolo-Behrendt, co-author of It’s Called a Break-Up Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girl’s Break-Up Buddy, recalls the worst break-up story she heard: “A woman was dating a guy whose dad was in prison and about to be released. She moved her boyfriend’s dad in with them, and the day the dad’s parole was over, her sweetie told her that he’d fallen out of love with her. He promptly packed up his and his dad’s bags and was gone.”
Why it’s so wrong: Uh, because users are losers—and it’s especially bad when you find out that someone you love is one.
*The bad metaphor goodbye
Nora Lydon of Oakland, CA had to hear her live-in boyfriend of two years tell her it was over—then compare their long-term relationship to a “tiramisu that’s just okay.”
Why it’s so wrong: Breakups suck because you think of your exes every time you see anything they ever liked, wore, or owned. Sharing your horrible deep-thoughts prose, whether you’re “a bird that needs to spread its wings” or you think your dumpee is “a beautiful, unique snowflake I’m not a big enough person to catch” only ruins one more set of objects for your poor, poor ex.
*The accidentally-on-purpose letdown
Caroline Strange wanted things to work out with her boyfriend of a year-plus, but the Wilmington, NC, woman was concerned when he started to seem distant. “Finally, we went on vacation together with some friends, and he literally didn’t talk to me the whole weekend,” she says. “Of course at that level of disrespect, I had no choice but to dump him, but he’s clearly the one who’d made the decision. He was forcing my hand because he didn’t want to be the ‘bad guy.’”
Why it’s so wrong: It happens in different ways — from being more distant to getting caught cheating — but doing something unforgivable so you’ll get dumped is common and cruel. You may think you’re doing your admirer a favor, but don’t fool yourself: Being a jerk doesn’t make your boyfriend or girlfriend feel better about ditching you, it just makes him or her wonder what happened to the sweetheart he or she fell for.
The Happy(ish) Endings
*The “cut your losses and move on” maneuver
Andrew Johnson of White Plains, NY, started seeing a girl he liked who he sensed wasn’t interested in committing. Sure enough, she soon told him that she wasn’t ready for a relationship, and that she didn’t want to lead him on or encourage him if he was truly after the real thing. “It hurt to hear, of course, but I appreciated that she was honest instead of passive-aggressive by not telling me what she really wanted and then finding a reason to dump me later,” he says.
Why it’s OK: Hearing “I’m just not into you” is rough, but it lets your victims’ healing begin immediately—instead of months later when they discover you were never that into them.
*The “We said we’d be friends and meant it” move
When Carole White of Hartford, CT, decided to end things with a “total sweetheart of a guy” that she’d been seeing for a few months, she assumed he wouldn’t want anything to do with her, despite their vow to always be friends. Carole told him her decision to end things, assuming he’d want a clean break. “But he said, ‘I still want us to be in each other’s life, even if that means just friendship,’” White says. “So we’ve stayed friends, and I was happy for him when he fell madly in love with a great woman and they got married.”
Why it’s OK: Once you’ve shared such big parts of your life, it can seem impossible to move on without the friend who knows more about you than anyone. Staying in touch doesn’t work for all former couples, and it can take time to get the balance right… But when a relationship ends with both partners committed to moving on yet still caring about each other, a fantastic new one can often begin.
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